Hmmm, writing out my feelings has gotten old. Spectacular alien landscapes is old, splattering makeup in the right locations – amusing but it doesn’t attract your soulmate any better than your normal face could. Eek. Lists are a highschooler’s writing tool. My sentences fall flat. He wanted me to try, walk up to people and convince them to let me be seen with their facility – – – I never liked advertising myself, I don’t like planning my happiness. I need money though, 10k. Push has come to shove and I need to find an art collector and convince him/her to commission me now. I want it more than anything – a girlfriend I pay to be my girlfriend, a therapist, a soul healer. I was so happy the next day even though I didn’t sleep. She knows the keys.
7 hours later
I found one. I walked the art galleries at laguna beach and swooped in to get the card of couple who just finished inquiring with the gallery’s dealer. The gallery dealer did not look happy with me as I ignored him trying to point out how the butterflies iridescent wings change colors as I move around the piece. I find the Orange County hustle way more wholesome than the LA hustle (never going back). This one’s for you Amanda.
I’ll update this post as the story develops.
Nothing came of it. I’m gradually developing a new kind of lie detection – the sugar coat. It’s in every rejection of the past two years. I miss the days of hard rejection. Reject hard.
Anyways, by tomorrow I have to deliver a CAD model of an airplane with the most moving parts you’ve ever seen to the Aerospace engineer I found online. I went to the ocean yesterday, no landscape moves as much as the ocean.
Self motivation todo something I never had exposure to as a child is absurd but I get through it by telling myself it’s art, drawing the CAD model is no different than designing an outfit or playing videogame.
A lot of books are not good. I mean, I learn from them, weirdly better than friends. If I get married I want to fill my half of the room with a passage from a book I read. A book that stayed with me for months to years, told me what I needed to hear and let me be as erroneously human as I truly am in their presence.
Ever meet a guy who is so perfectly masculine you lizard brain? I remember when I was a belligerent teen in my first yoga class, the teacher noticed one of the girls in the class was losing her balance during dancers pose. She said it was a result of the “masculine energy” from the guy next to her throwing her off. It went over my head as nonsense, but now I know, that guy’s sex appeal is intimidatingly and feelings have a profound effect on our ability todo basic things. Feminine energy is real too (excuse the word “energy”, feminine whiles, sex appeal, men’s fear of failure… I have no respect for your preferred jargon of phycological concepts), and I actively avoid using it, turn myself into a gremlin so I can fit in better, but I sometimes you just give the right look and a guy will follow you home, say the right thing and he’ll drop out of school.
Anthropological Magical Realism 