Ignorism

Let’s talk about “how to with John Wilson ” I really hope this doesn’t spiral into something pointless. Will recommended the show. A normal guy in his thirties wanders New-York and video tapes oddities that he edits into some absurd and hilarious theme for each episode. It’s brilliant in its simplicity. It proves good content doesn’t require a film crew or fancy equipment. Will has a hand held camera and he follows in John’s footsteps, video taping his friends when he goes out, passing around the camera so others can do the same. Sweet.

I am far too aware when the camera points at me. When I know my friends I know how to make them laugh, how to shock them, how to make them feel. I could be the star of his potential youtube channel. The camera was rolling and I casually said “I’m used to being watched 24/7 because my ex perpetually hacks into social media”. There he gave me that classic blank stare I get when my dead pan deliveries hit as something serious.

Troy showed me the “funny” video he got of his friend unexpectedly stripping naked in public while dancing to a tiktok. Looks like something I would’ve done if I was still prepubecently genderless, or had friends who didn’t care that I wasn’t. No. I will never get the privilege of being the star of slapstick again- JK I’m way more likable when I use gestures. But at the time I thought I had to be sharp ad still, dry, elegantly dark. So when Will didn’t acknowledge what I had just 4th walled to his future audience, he took that form of humor from me also.

I’ll go back to saying scripted cool girl responses and grind my self esteem down to a pulp until I sabotage our friendship soon enough.

Imagine all the people we must ignore into submission without realizing it. This is ignoration – ignorance – that stupid word everyone throws around but has to inevitably part take in to stay vital. Ignorance is synonymous with boundaries. We can’t listen to everyone or we will be sacrificing our own “fill in the blank”

A teacher explained to me how ignoring the “bad child” is a necessary sacrifice in a classroom of 30 other well behaved students. It causes a lot of physiological damage to the one, but the other 30 will lose too much “learning time” if the teacher stops to acknowledge and understand the child who’s acting out as a result of poor parenting or whatever. 

A few years ago was the first time someone came to my defense after my joke was dismissed as me misunderstanding what had been said prior (the dismisser’s boundary must’ve been something along the lines of: I am the funniest one in the room, and if I allow myself to believe other people are funny I will damage my sense of self, my reality, and be too existentially confused about the meaning of life and my purpose in order to function optimally at work thus risking my livelihood and ending up on the streets). It was life changing. Someone listened to me with the full intention of understanding me beyond any egotistical PC do-good desire – they used me to laugh? No one ever uses me to laugh unless they think it’s unintentional on my part. I was used for my mind. WOW. This must be what leadership feels like. Confidence and codependency hit me like a truck. I’ve been looking for people like this since, but the shame of “trying to hard” is never more apparent then when I take too long to respond to a waiter asking me if the food tastes good because I’m trying to think of something clever to say. 

Just one of those sad truths we accept like our cellphones are made by factory slaves,  people are diseased and starving in undeveloped countries, and our marine ecosystems are declining at an exponential rate. 

You’re going to be ignored by a wide variety of people for reasons that are not your fault and you won’t even realize you are being beaten into submission.