Metformin

The tone today is not pleasant. I’ve been on metformin for a little over a week and that means I have artificially induced a state of survival in my body. I can kill anything that threatens to hurt me but that doesn’t bring me joy. I’ve been going steady for a few months with a writer. This is the first time I date an artist, and he’s transitioning to tech so I don’t know if it really counts but it might have been the cause of my writing hiatus. Objectively speaking, I’ve always wanted to be with a non-engineer. We can’t plot world domination like I’m used to, but when my insecurities arise he can eloquently put them to rest. I hope my ability to breathe fire and fix a broken toilet can compensate for my lack of kindness, it has to be.

“I’ve got power in my blood, while you demand it, I command it” –  a lyric from one of my favorite power anthem songs. I don’t turn on my personality for everyone and people always wonder why? Why not seduce everyone and everything? It’s strange to be able to modulate my personality as if it were made of knobs – one for intelligence, one for empathy, one for spiciness… I must’ve gotten this from too many self-help books. At some point I gave it over.

Some Prose:

–

6-2-2023

Co-Create

It’s over my head – twinkling like something on the brink of death.

I can’t remember what and I remember wanting it and I remember I don’t want it anymore,

But If I must pine then I know who to pine for.

Give me my floating walk across the water. Stepping across lilly pads and, and I wonder why so many stories don’t touch me, and why things have to be real for me to love them.

What if the lily pads want to sink, and they stay up so I can float across the water, so I can attempt all the skips and hops a proper Ethereal should know. The lily pads are here for you, you made each other.

–

9-1-23

How to Dance

I don’t know if I’m addicted to the feeling of falling or If it’s the beauty I love.

The pill was hard to swallow and the harder a pill is to swallow the more magnificent the aftermath of that resulting truth.

The Picaso’s of our generation will die on tumblr but I’ll know them. I’ll see their genius.

There must be some metaphysical reason that’s enough.

Anyways, it’s not the feeling of falling, the feeling of falling is almost unbearable, it’s the dance. For the dance I will tolerate the rollercoaster with grace.

To dance you must build your imaginary appendages, make an imaginary creature out of your body -in my case wings. Build the bones, the nerves, the muscles, put on the membranes, and decide what areas are more sensitive than others. Carry this body everywhere, live in it, make neural pathways for the phantom limbs, adjust your sleeping position for them. Then you will start to move differently, and when you dance this creature will come out. Other people will see it too.

–

9-1-23

Soften

Make them tell you what they know.

Beneath all that they’ve learned

There is something that

Is brimming with

Consciousness

Pulling 

The 

Strings

And it’s

Talking to you.

It needs you to know

So make them

Tell you.

–

9-3-23

Catch You

There’s terracotta walls of clay

Open ceilings and

Intellectual stimulation.

I let you lay next to me because

You told me about your family

Because it felt like the right thing to do.

I know how it is, you’ll slip and I’ll either catch you

Or you’re gone

–

Idk The Date

Guilt

There’s an apocalypse somewhere in time where we do fine.

But here, in “morning yoga”, “afternoon meetings”, and “late night shows”, we’re a mess.

At some point we thought all the same thoughts so we were immediately comfortable with the silence of looking into each other’s eyes. And that’s all we’ll have together.